Last Semester Starts Tomorrow

Tomorrow starts my last semester of undergraduate college. I’m scared out of my mind. There’s something about the end that makes me feel like I can’t do it. I don’t know why this is. It could be that I have no idea what is going to happen after graduation and I’m comfortable with normality. I almost feel like it would be much easier to completely pick up and move, to start over, than it would be to build up here. We can stay, live in Dothan/Troy, go to Wiregrass (I’d hate to leave my girls!), rent something reasonably, get grown-up jobs. We can… well, that’s probably what we’ll do. Hopefully, within a few years we’ll have saved enough for a house, but for where? Are we going to stay here? Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of… laying down roots here and never uprooting. I don’t know where God wants to use me. Why not here? All I need to do is follow Him. Thankfully, my husband also desires to follow His will. Am I scared to relinquish control? How do I know it’ll all work out? Why does it even matter that I know that. Oh yeah, because I’ve always been taught that failure is death. If I can’t be perfect, I shouldn’t be. I’m slowly learning to step out of this mindset, but not fast enough. It’s taken hold of my personality, my responses, and sadly, the amount of respect I innately show my husband. Follow Jesus though, right? That’s suppose to make all things work. Seek Him and I’ll be okay. I have so much anxiety right now though. Releasing it will be letting the floodgates down. It’s not like this stuff comes naturally. I fully desire a relationship with God, but, for some reason, my sinful self wants to hold on with every last ounce of strength. Hopefully, a long night’s sleep will do amazing things for me. Hopefully, in the morning, my faith will be renewed, my heart will be happy, and I will be ready for my last semester.

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