Note: This post was written 9/9/12 but was not posted. Corey was going through a thing of wanting our life to be uber-private, so it never made its way to the web. I got on that band-wagon for a little while, too, but now it’s back to normal. Enjoy.God has once again set Corey and I on a different path. I feel like the plant in the picture above – uprooted. Corey and I left the Ranch the beginning of May and are finally settling into a routine back in Dothan, AL. Not all aspects of this journey are complete, nor do I ever think they will be. I am learning that life is a journey. We cannot just set goals and attempt to reach them, for, what comes next? More goals?
When I was in school, goals were easy. Take this class, that class, work, repeat until graduation. Now I’m back in classes and was asked where I want to complete an assignment on where I want to be in 5 and 10 years. Truth is – I have no idea. I want babies. That’s pretty much the goal that’s left to work towards. I’m in grad school, working on my Masters [of Science in Clinical Mental Health from Troy University’s Dothan campus, to be exact]; working as a Substance Abuse counselor at a local residential treatment program [which is a challenging but extremely fulfilling position]; and working on my marriage and home life. Life is in a tizzy right now and all I can do is take it day by day. Where do I want to be in 5 years? With a Masters and a baby. In 10 years? Add babies.
Do I sound like a crazy? Sometimes I think I do. I am so thankful that I don’t have children while I’m full-time working and doing grad school. But I miss parenting. I miss children. I miss family. I miss life.
But God is still here. He is still guiding me day by day. Still leading me in the ways which I do not understand and don’t even seek to. My life is a story of God’s grace, faithfulness, love, and provision. From the moment I was created, He and He alone has sustained my every breath. He is leading me in a path of non-understanding but trust. When Corey and I were asked to leave the Ranch, it was extremely sudden. Earlier that day, I had unpacked our last few boxes. It was a Thursday that we were asked to leave. We found boxes that night and boxed our apartment on Friday. We loaded a U-Haul on Saturday. We drove to Dothan on Sunday. We spent the night with wonderful friends and went house-hunting early Monday. We found a rental owned by people who are also servants of God and who, despite not knowing anything about us, and knowing that we only had possibilities at jobs, decided to rent us the house and trust that God would provide for us. We moved in Tuesday. Corey started working at a friend’s business on Wednesday. The Wednesday before we were planning on being in Tennessee, at the Ranch, for the next 4-6 years. God’s plans aren’t our plans. My sweetest moments when we were leaving the Ranch were when the other housemothers hugged me, cried with me, and prayed with me. My life had been dug up. I had no clue what being re-planted would look like. Much more hurtful, I didn’t want to leave. Not one ounce of my being wanted to be away from the family I poured my heart into every single day. Not one ounce of me wanted to leave the people who surrounded me daily in a Christian community like I had never seen before. Not one ounce of me wanted to step off the cliff of certainty and “see where I landed.” There were many tears. Everything happened so quickly that we didn’t have time to grieve.
I remember being in church the next Sunday and bawling my eyes out. An old friend had come to sit with us and, when I returned from the bathroom, having collapsed on the floor in tears, I still couldn’t regain my composure. How nice it is to have friends who will deal with you crying like the world is over and love you like you’re totally normal. Many more tears have been cried since that day. A few are falling right now. I will forever miss my boys and guiding them daily to be men of God.
Now I am guiding different people. People who rotate out from my care every 3 weeks. People whose lives have been devastated by their drug and/or alcohol addictions. People who need love, care, comfort, guidance, hope, strength, and more. People who I end up loving by the time they’re gone. My clients are the reason I’m where I am at now. I truly believe that. Yes, I am back in the area so I can go to grad school before having children. I am thankful for that. But other than that, my life is very different from when we lived here before. We are no longer going to our old church. To be quite honest, we are finding it hard to go to any church. The level of authenticity and God-seeking that was in our last home church has been unmatchable. Finding a place where people gather to worship our God with all they have, join together as a community of believers (not a cliché here, but a true community), and hear teaching that stirs one heart and rejuvenates one’s soul has been unattainable thus far. We are discouraged, disheartened, and just plain sad. We know God will lead us to the right church family, and we are seeking out His will daily.
Our life is no longer in a tail spin. Nor a seeming downward spiral. It is on a steady path. A path that leads to the only place worth going – the cross.